(Fade in: The New York skyline. The sun sets and then all the lights in the buildings come on, followed by them going out one at a time, then two, then three, punctuated by screams each time.)
Don LaFontaine: In a world where day turns to night…and then forgets to turn back into day again,only one man stands between us and eternal Darkness. He is…THE CHAINSAW WARRIOR!
(Dramatic chord and smashcut of game logo.)
DLF: (Cont’d) Meet Not Snake Plisskin. A troubled loner with a dark past and only one love in his life.
The Girl: I love you, Not Snake Plisskin!
NSP: Sorry, baby. (Picks up chainsaw.) Someone else saw me first.
DLF: But now, he’s got to do the impossible: Storm a building full of the living dead and destroy the evil Darkness once and for all. (Until the sequel.)
(Cut to lab technician taking NSP to a table covered with gadgets.)
Lab Tech: And this is your laser lance.
NSP: I got your laser lance right here.
(Cut to: NSP tossing a grenade into a room full of zombies.)
NSP: Hope you get a bang out of this.
DLF: But when Darkness sends it’s armies after him…
(Lunatic comes charging at NSP.)
Lunatic: (gibbering) All Hail Darkness!
NSP cuts him in half with his chainsaw.
NSP: Funny, the weatherman didn’t say anything about hail.
DLF: He’s gonna take out the trash!
(Cut of NSP kicking one zombie off the balcony while chainsawing another. He turns and looks at the camera.)
NSP: Drugs are for commies!
DLF: The odds are a million to one…
(Cut to a group of Chaos Agents who appear to have NSP cornered on a balcony before he fires his rope gun to escape, tossing a grenade as he goes.)
NSP: 10th floor: Lingerie, Sporting Goods…Dead Guys!
DLF: …and that’s just the way he likes it!
(Cut to: NSP about to shoot Darkness with his Laser Lance.)
NSP: Hey, Darkness! Time to pay the light bill!
(He shoots and destroys Darkness.)
(Cut to: A recording studio. Don LaFontaine covers his mic and looks out of the booth at the control room.)
DLF: Really? We’re gonna show the ENDING in the TRAILER?
The APPrehensive Gamer: Don’t you remember? They always gave away the whole movie in these trailers.
DLF: Oh yeah. (Goes back into the microphone.) Not Snake Plisskin IS…
(Smash cut to game logo.)
DLF: The CHAINSAW WARRIOR!!!
(DLF and TAG do voiceover as the actor, director, soundtrack, etc. credits that progressvely become too small to read flash on the screen.)
DLF: You didn’t tell them what you thought of the game.
TAG: Oh, they saw my first review, they know it’s good.
DLF: Ok, well, I did my part. NOW will you return me to the afterlife so my soul can know peace at last?
(TAG recites the incantation backwards. The sounds of angels descending is heard.)
DLF: (Fading.) Thank yoooooooouuuu…
TAG: God speed you to your reward, Trailer Guy.
(Fade to black.)